On August 19th, 2017, I said I do on an altar in front of God and many witnesses. I said yes to taking my soulmate Michelle as my partner from now till God says “COME HOME” no matter the circumstance. Ever since that day, I have been walking around with the world’s smallest handcuff on my ring finger. ONCE WE LOCKED IN. AIN’T NO SWITCHING UP! Marriage is a sacred task and a full-time job. One of those challenging jobs that is super rewarding. For our 6-year anniversary, I thought it was only fitting that I share 6 things I learned about marriage. Hopefully, this reassures your feelings or you to learn a thing or two.
1. True love is more than a feeling. It’s a commitment.
When I said I do, they were all those words that came before. For sickness and health, for richer or poorer, for bad attitudes, for difference of opinions on raising kids, for difference of opinions on financial goals, for difference of opinions on where we want to settle down. Okay maybe I added a couple of things on, but these things do present themselves in marriage. If you think every day is going to be peaches and roses then wait until the honeymoon phase passes and you start living together, raising kids together, and building a life together. Of course, marriage is tough at times, but it’s worth it. You have to understand that your love is not dependent on how upset or not upset you are in the moment but dependent on the commitment you signed up for, then you are on the right track.
2. Your sacrifice tolerance level may not be equal to your wife’s sacrifice tolerance.
This lesson is something I learned after a very long while and only learned the lesson because of a therapy session we had. I learned that a man and a woman will have different sacrifice tolerances. For example, you as a man may be able to live in an apartment or house and the only furniture you think is needed for such living quarters is a couch, a television, a bed, and maybe a coffee table or a tv stand. Your wife may not see it that way and is unable to sacrifice the feeling of making the house become a home just to save extra money. There are just some things you may be willing to tolerate living without that your wife will not be able to handle. Marriage is all about compromise and you have to remember that your sacrifice tolerance may not be the same as your wife’s tolerance.
3. Since you are going to disagree, learn how to disagree
The disagreements are going to come. There is no way you will go through your entire marriage without disagreements. The important thing is how you deal with those disagreements when they come. Those disagreements can go from a difference of opinions to shouting matches, to silent treatments. All this can be avoided or at least minimized when you have a strategy to use when you and your spouse have disagreements. When you choose to listen to one another, regulate voice volumes when communicating, give each other the benefit of the doubt, and choose forgiveness, you tend to have smoother disagreements. There is nothing wrong with agreeing to disagree and moving on from certain disagreements with no hard feelings.
4. Be a thermostat, not a thermometer
One of my OGs once told me that I had the responsibility to set the tone in my home. I could either be a thermostat and set the vibe or I could be a thermometer that responds to the vibe being set. You will have your off days but your attitude can set the tone for what the house experiences. I know it sounds like a lot but as I always say. To whom much is given much is expected. When you create an environment of love, forgiveness, grace, integrity, and fun that’s the type of energy you will receive in your home. Even when your spouse may be upset or getting sidetracked on goals, you can be the thermometer and match energy or you can be like a thermostat and change the energy and get the train back on track. The thermostat role can be tough but it keeps the marriage growing.
5. Don’t forget about life before the wedding day. The chase is not over.
We hear it all the time. People get married. Then they get comfortable and slow down on doing the things that made their relationship fun, exciting, romantic, and enjoyable in the first place. It’s easy to get complacent and take your foot off the gas when you accomplish the mission. We men after we get married we tend to stop doing the things we did to get our wife in the first place. Date nights don’t seem as important to us anymore and our efforts to do the little things that make our wives happy become few and far. I learned that we have to keep dating. We have an opportunity to keep learning about our spouse and getting to know the new version of our spouse. As life happens our spouse evolves and we have a great opportunity to get to know our spouse. The best way to do this is to date them, talk to them, and do the things we were doing when we were trying to bag them at the beginning of our relationship. So keep dating.
6. Have FUN. WHY SO SERIOUS?
If you are going to spend the rest of your life with someone and live with them day in and day out, you might as well make life fun. Life is serious and the happenings of the world are serious and while we have to take our marriage seriously, it doesn’t mean we can’t have a fun, light-hearted marriage. All marriages should have inside jokes, silly things you do together, silly things you can say and the both of you immediately buss out laughing. Find a common hobby that is fun for both. Have time and conversations that lead to nothing serious but are light-hearted. Be playful, be flirty, be curious teenagers with each other. Try new things together and experience new things with each other. Married life can be very hectic and serious in itself. Don’t forget to have fun with each other. Smile, laugh, and play with each other (In all ways).
Happy to be 6 years married and I look forward to what’s to come. I pray God continues to guide me on this marriage journey and keep me focused. I pray that I gain the wisdom to lead my wife and my household in a way that is pleasing to God. Shoutout to my beautiful wife Michelle GB Williams. I love you and every day with you by my side is a blessing.
To my married homies, what’s one tip about marriage you would like to share with the Expose Your Manhood community? COMMENT BELOW!
The little Engineer that could! Ryian Williams, wears multiple hats as a husband, father, author, speaker, and engineer. Driven by his enthusiasm for coaching and uplifting men, he has embraced the lifelong mission of guiding men toward becoming the most authentic versions of themselves
That’s right! Be a thermostat. Thank you!!
Wow! A Great read I always say the only reaction I’m responsible for is mine. Be the thermostat not the thermometer ! May God continue to bless your union in EVERY SINGLE ASPECT. Keep being a light to others 💕